The Presence of Jesus through Suffering
Stones: How and when did you place your faith in Jesus?
Bonnie: I used to be a person who lived for what everyone else thought of me. My self-worth was completely tied to whether people liked and accepted me. When I did something immoral or unacceptable, I would lie, make excuses, or blame others to regain acceptance. I didn't feel loveable or valuable without people's approval, and it was exhausting. I had gone to church my whole life, but I didn't think I "needed Jesus" because I had my own plan to make people like me.
Jesus had been pursuing me for years, first at age 12 through confirmation classes at my local church. It seemed shallow to sign a piece of paper saying Jesus was my Savior. The second time I almost said yes to following Jesus was the Sunday morning in church after I was date raped at age 15. I felt too embarrassed and defiled to admit my need for healing and cleansing, and it was a very formal Methodist church. There was no altar call, so the moment of conviction passed as I sat in silent shame and confusion.
But one day, when I was 20 years old and in college, my world fell apart. My dad died the year before, and my first husband wanted to leave me after one year of marriage. (We stayed married another seven years, and he left when our daughter was a toddler.) In my despair, I called my twin sister. She told me about the unconditional love of Christ, as someone had led her to Christ months earlier through a campus ministry. It was clear that Jesus kept pursuing me with His grace and love and I accepted His free gift of salvation.
Stones: How has your relationship with Jesus looked since your salvation?
Bonnie: For several years, I had one foot in the world and one foot in my commitment to Jesus. I went to church and read my Bible intermittently, alternating between being a "good girl" Christian who said and did all the Christian things and being sinful and unfaithful. I saw my relationship with God as transactional, performance-based, and legalistic. If I was not sinning, God loved me; if I was sinning, God was angry and distant, expecting me to do penance. It felt like my relationship with my earthly father, and I experienced lots of inner turmoil.
Then one day, while listening to a sermon at my Baptist church, the Holy Spirit mercifully revealed how faithful and loving God had been to me. I remember quietly promising God that I would forsake some specific sins He was convicting me of and commit my life to Him. The Lord did, indeed, free me from those sins. The process was not easy, but He did it!
It took a while for me to truly understand that Christ lived a perfect life (that I couldn't live), died, and rose again in my place to forgive all my sins. I slowly realized that He loved and accepted me unconditionally. At one point, the Lord gave me an intense love for Scripture. One morning, I was convicted of Matthew 6:33—that I was to seek the Lord first each morning and He would take care of all my needs. I began to pour over Scripture every morning, a practice I have enjoyed for over 28 years. Through studying God's Word, Jesus convinced me that I can never gain enough love and acceptance from imperfect people. I had to give up my idols. For the first time, I truly felt free of anxiety. The Lord loved me! He was sovereign and good and defined my worth by giving His only Son for me. I slept well for the first time in years, at age 42. I stopped trying to control everything and everyone. I gave up co-dependent relationships as I started really walking in His amazing grace. I was discipled by spiritually-solid women. I couldn't get enough of His Word. It all transformed my life.
Even now, many years later, I am even more assured that I don't have to earn anyone's affirmation to be loved. I'm not chasing perfection or locked in shame, condemnation, self-hate, and guilt anymore. He forgave me and loves me forever in a way no person can. I have such peace and freedom from the anxiety and depression of not being loved or accepted by others. The Lord has opened a wide door in my heart to show grace and mercy to others as well. My family needed this breath of fresh air as I became more Christlike and gracious in our relationships. All glory to God!
Stones: When were you diagnosed with cancer and what was the diagnosis?
Bonnie: In June 2024, I was diagnosed with breast cancer (ductal carcinoma, Stage 0) after a routine mammogram and subsequent biopsy. (Ironically, I saw the diagnosis online while in the parking lot of a health food store.) I felt real anxiety for the first time in many years. Then I immediately prayed throughout the rest of the day, thinking about Philippians 4:6-7: “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
The Lord guarded my heart and mind with His mysterious, magnificent peace, and the anxiety evaporated. I wasn't anxious again after that first day. An unexplainable peace flooded my heart and mind, like a permanent resident. Since He is absolutely sovereign and good, I will bless His name, as Job did. I spent every morning doing the hard heart work with the Lord and His Word, filling my journal with prayers, promises, and insights from Him. I specifically remember Him reminding me of Psalm 23:1—that He is my Shepherd, so I shall not want, meaning I don't need a fully intact body to be happy in Christ. I grieved for a few minutes, then I simply accepted what God had for me in this season.
In July, I had a simple mastectomy, with no complications and a quick, uneventful recovery. The cancer was completely removed, with no need for further chemo, radiation, or drugs. The Lord had completely prepared me for the loss, and my recovery was quick and uneventful. Between the time of learning about my cancer to many weeks after my surgery, people in the Stones Crossing Church family prayed for me, checked on me, and blessed me with gifts and encouragement. Jesus literally loved me through His Body, the local church. I was joyfully astounded and greatly humbled. Part of knowing Jesus through trials is allowing fellow Christians to minister, support, and love you along the way. I became so aware of how important the local church is as God loved me so well through people at Stones.
Stones: How has cancer impacted your relationship with Jesus? How are you different since the diagnosis?
Bonnie: The Lord has taught me how He uses suffering for good and showed me many precious saints who didn't forsake Him in their significant, chronic pain and suffering. It re-informed my understanding of how to suffer well. Christ drew me into deeper intimacy during the short-lived cancer situation. He taught me that I wasn't the one who guarded my faith. He promised to guard my faith and keep me. (See 1 Peter 1:3-7 and Psalm 121.) I did not have the spiritual leverage to cause Him to leave or forsake me. His love steadied me, refining my faith even more. I had prayed consistently for Him to draw me closer in greater intimacy with Him. I wanted more of Him.
One day during that period of time, He quietly told me He would grant my heart's desire through suffering. He has been faithful to draw me into deeper fellowship with Him, even giving me a boldness to share His love with others more freely and confidently. His faithfulness, sovereign goodness, grace, and mercy are more real to me than ever. I'm much less fearful of suffering, While I don't welcome it, I understand that He will be faithful to use it to draw me closer still and transform me into greater Christlikeness.
Stones: If you were given the topic of suffering and knowing Jesus through trials, what would your key points and conclusions be?
Bonnie: God is faithful to guard us in our faith with His jealous love and keep us in His protective gaze at all times so that we will always be with Him. The entire meta-narrative of Scripture from Genesis to Revelation is the story of God rescuing His people so He can dwell with us forever through Christ.
Don't fear or resist suffering. God has a purpose for it. He doesn't waste it but gives you more of Himself in return. Therefore, Jesus is worth the cost of suffering, and God will stop at nothing to bring His people safely into His kingdom by any means necessary. As my friend Debbie says, "God often allows what He hates in order to accomplish what He loves." I might add "for who He loves."
Jesus knows what you are going through because He suffered supremely in our place to rescue us from sin. He is a sympathetic high priest who goes before us and pours out His compassion, love, and care on us.
Suffer well, meaning completely surrender yourself to Him, trusting Him and seeking Him first and most in prayer, in His Word, and in fellowship with His people. Forsake anxiety, as it unnecessarily adds to suffering. Make Him your absolute and exclusive treasure. Do whatever it takes to draw close to Jesus because you will need Him, His Word, and His people when suffering comes your way. Praise God that He chooses to refine our faith and form us more fully into the image of Christ through suffering. (See Psalm 23 and Psalm 121, James 1:2-4, and 1 Peter 1:6-7, 23-24.)
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV).
Resources on suffering:
"Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering" by Tim Keller
"Suffering" by Paul D. Tripp
"Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy" by Mark Vroegop
Bonnie: I used to be a person who lived for what everyone else thought of me. My self-worth was completely tied to whether people liked and accepted me. When I did something immoral or unacceptable, I would lie, make excuses, or blame others to regain acceptance. I didn't feel loveable or valuable without people's approval, and it was exhausting. I had gone to church my whole life, but I didn't think I "needed Jesus" because I had my own plan to make people like me.
Jesus had been pursuing me for years, first at age 12 through confirmation classes at my local church. It seemed shallow to sign a piece of paper saying Jesus was my Savior. The second time I almost said yes to following Jesus was the Sunday morning in church after I was date raped at age 15. I felt too embarrassed and defiled to admit my need for healing and cleansing, and it was a very formal Methodist church. There was no altar call, so the moment of conviction passed as I sat in silent shame and confusion.
But one day, when I was 20 years old and in college, my world fell apart. My dad died the year before, and my first husband wanted to leave me after one year of marriage. (We stayed married another seven years, and he left when our daughter was a toddler.) In my despair, I called my twin sister. She told me about the unconditional love of Christ, as someone had led her to Christ months earlier through a campus ministry. It was clear that Jesus kept pursuing me with His grace and love and I accepted His free gift of salvation.
Stones: How has your relationship with Jesus looked since your salvation?
Bonnie: For several years, I had one foot in the world and one foot in my commitment to Jesus. I went to church and read my Bible intermittently, alternating between being a "good girl" Christian who said and did all the Christian things and being sinful and unfaithful. I saw my relationship with God as transactional, performance-based, and legalistic. If I was not sinning, God loved me; if I was sinning, God was angry and distant, expecting me to do penance. It felt like my relationship with my earthly father, and I experienced lots of inner turmoil.
Then one day, while listening to a sermon at my Baptist church, the Holy Spirit mercifully revealed how faithful and loving God had been to me. I remember quietly promising God that I would forsake some specific sins He was convicting me of and commit my life to Him. The Lord did, indeed, free me from those sins. The process was not easy, but He did it!
It took a while for me to truly understand that Christ lived a perfect life (that I couldn't live), died, and rose again in my place to forgive all my sins. I slowly realized that He loved and accepted me unconditionally. At one point, the Lord gave me an intense love for Scripture. One morning, I was convicted of Matthew 6:33—that I was to seek the Lord first each morning and He would take care of all my needs. I began to pour over Scripture every morning, a practice I have enjoyed for over 28 years. Through studying God's Word, Jesus convinced me that I can never gain enough love and acceptance from imperfect people. I had to give up my idols. For the first time, I truly felt free of anxiety. The Lord loved me! He was sovereign and good and defined my worth by giving His only Son for me. I slept well for the first time in years, at age 42. I stopped trying to control everything and everyone. I gave up co-dependent relationships as I started really walking in His amazing grace. I was discipled by spiritually-solid women. I couldn't get enough of His Word. It all transformed my life.
Even now, many years later, I am even more assured that I don't have to earn anyone's affirmation to be loved. I'm not chasing perfection or locked in shame, condemnation, self-hate, and guilt anymore. He forgave me and loves me forever in a way no person can. I have such peace and freedom from the anxiety and depression of not being loved or accepted by others. The Lord has opened a wide door in my heart to show grace and mercy to others as well. My family needed this breath of fresh air as I became more Christlike and gracious in our relationships. All glory to God!
Stones: When were you diagnosed with cancer and what was the diagnosis?
Bonnie: In June 2024, I was diagnosed with breast cancer (ductal carcinoma, Stage 0) after a routine mammogram and subsequent biopsy. (Ironically, I saw the diagnosis online while in the parking lot of a health food store.) I felt real anxiety for the first time in many years. Then I immediately prayed throughout the rest of the day, thinking about Philippians 4:6-7: “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
The Lord guarded my heart and mind with His mysterious, magnificent peace, and the anxiety evaporated. I wasn't anxious again after that first day. An unexplainable peace flooded my heart and mind, like a permanent resident. Since He is absolutely sovereign and good, I will bless His name, as Job did. I spent every morning doing the hard heart work with the Lord and His Word, filling my journal with prayers, promises, and insights from Him. I specifically remember Him reminding me of Psalm 23:1—that He is my Shepherd, so I shall not want, meaning I don't need a fully intact body to be happy in Christ. I grieved for a few minutes, then I simply accepted what God had for me in this season.
In July, I had a simple mastectomy, with no complications and a quick, uneventful recovery. The cancer was completely removed, with no need for further chemo, radiation, or drugs. The Lord had completely prepared me for the loss, and my recovery was quick and uneventful. Between the time of learning about my cancer to many weeks after my surgery, people in the Stones Crossing Church family prayed for me, checked on me, and blessed me with gifts and encouragement. Jesus literally loved me through His Body, the local church. I was joyfully astounded and greatly humbled. Part of knowing Jesus through trials is allowing fellow Christians to minister, support, and love you along the way. I became so aware of how important the local church is as God loved me so well through people at Stones.
Stones: How has cancer impacted your relationship with Jesus? How are you different since the diagnosis?
Bonnie: The Lord has taught me how He uses suffering for good and showed me many precious saints who didn't forsake Him in their significant, chronic pain and suffering. It re-informed my understanding of how to suffer well. Christ drew me into deeper intimacy during the short-lived cancer situation. He taught me that I wasn't the one who guarded my faith. He promised to guard my faith and keep me. (See 1 Peter 1:3-7 and Psalm 121.) I did not have the spiritual leverage to cause Him to leave or forsake me. His love steadied me, refining my faith even more. I had prayed consistently for Him to draw me closer in greater intimacy with Him. I wanted more of Him.
One day during that period of time, He quietly told me He would grant my heart's desire through suffering. He has been faithful to draw me into deeper fellowship with Him, even giving me a boldness to share His love with others more freely and confidently. His faithfulness, sovereign goodness, grace, and mercy are more real to me than ever. I'm much less fearful of suffering, While I don't welcome it, I understand that He will be faithful to use it to draw me closer still and transform me into greater Christlikeness.
Stones: If you were given the topic of suffering and knowing Jesus through trials, what would your key points and conclusions be?
Bonnie: God is faithful to guard us in our faith with His jealous love and keep us in His protective gaze at all times so that we will always be with Him. The entire meta-narrative of Scripture from Genesis to Revelation is the story of God rescuing His people so He can dwell with us forever through Christ.
Don't fear or resist suffering. God has a purpose for it. He doesn't waste it but gives you more of Himself in return. Therefore, Jesus is worth the cost of suffering, and God will stop at nothing to bring His people safely into His kingdom by any means necessary. As my friend Debbie says, "God often allows what He hates in order to accomplish what He loves." I might add "for who He loves."
Jesus knows what you are going through because He suffered supremely in our place to rescue us from sin. He is a sympathetic high priest who goes before us and pours out His compassion, love, and care on us.
Suffer well, meaning completely surrender yourself to Him, trusting Him and seeking Him first and most in prayer, in His Word, and in fellowship with His people. Forsake anxiety, as it unnecessarily adds to suffering. Make Him your absolute and exclusive treasure. Do whatever it takes to draw close to Jesus because you will need Him, His Word, and His people when suffering comes your way. Praise God that He chooses to refine our faith and form us more fully into the image of Christ through suffering. (See Psalm 23 and Psalm 121, James 1:2-4, and 1 Peter 1:6-7, 23-24.)
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV).
Resources on suffering:
"Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering" by Tim Keller
"Suffering" by Paul D. Tripp
"Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy" by Mark Vroegop
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